I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
