but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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