i think my mom watched the whole time
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
