If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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