I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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