just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
