my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
