I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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