i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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