just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
