Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
