hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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