one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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