Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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