so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
