have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize