So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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