yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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