His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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