What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
