Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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