You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
