so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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