i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
