Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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