dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
