i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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