Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
