Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."