he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.