I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
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i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
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You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.