i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
