If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
