She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
