If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am midnight drunk by noon
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
