Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
