who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
