she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
