I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
