I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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