did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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