stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
