you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
