Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
