i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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