I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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