the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
