so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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