my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
