can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
