fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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