Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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