I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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