Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
