Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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